Journal entry following the first ayahuasca ceremony:
I think I was meant for me to have to wait and experience such immense doubt in order to be impacted to the fullest, which I now accept. I was so happy, filled with joy, and overwhelmed, I immediately became apologetic for ever having questioned her existence. I cried, cried, and cried some more, out of pure joy and the feeling of relief that my long and arduous journey to South America had not been in vain. I felt love, a motherly love so powerful, I cannot recall having ever felt anything nearly as awe-inspiringly beautiful.
“She” hugged me, she entered my soul, and she took me on a ride, a ride I wanted to last forever. I visited a world, or realm of pulsating life, wisdom, strength and love, which manifested itself in the most complex, beautiful and transcendent geometric patterns of waves flowing, crashing, entering and healing me at a level I cannot fully comprehend just yet. I feel as if I’ve been given the greatest gift that has ever been given to any person, at any point in time, I thank you.
Once I regained my bearings, after being lost in my bliss of discovery, I was able to address so many neglected aspects of my life with a clarity I still cannot believe. I love everyone and we’re all connected. I love my family and I’m able to forgive anyone who’s ever caused me pain, including my mother, who has been a major source of resentment and unhealthy distaste in my life.
Aya let me calm my mind by audibly speaking to me and saying: “I love you, you’re close, so close, keep going…. you’re finally here, it’s ok, I’m real, I’ve always been here, you just needed to find me, and you did.”
Politics, war, hate, vanity, money, materialism, even science, all became so clearly trivial and microscopic compared to the world I was invited into. I feel there is so much to think about, to talk about… I feel as if I just lived an entire life and came back to the physical world once Aya felt that my soul was quenched…. Is time even real anymore??
I had struggles throughout my experience, I felt pain, discomfort, fear, apprehension, but she was there throughout it all, telling me how strong I am, how it’s ok to let go, to ask for help and that she’d always be there. As soon as I completely relinquished control to her and gave up my fearful resistance, she lifted me up to another level unimaginable to me, or any person for that matter. At this point I could feel every bone in my body literally contort as if they were malleable roots shifting through the dense earth, and I experienced all of my atoms become their own individual life forms.
I thought my supernatural experience was over once the ceremony concluded, but once I laid down to rest in my bed she came to me again, we weren’t finished… Throughout my experience I could not stop greedily “drinking”, I was gulping life as a person who had never taken a true breath in their life. Then there were periods where Aya told me that we don’t need to breath anymore and I felt as if I had transcended into yet another realm where I wouldn’t need oxygen or breath; a realm of enlightenment where all feelings, thoughts, time, gender, morphed into a greater non-discriminating existence.